REFLECTIONS ON THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF HIS WIFE'S DEATH

When the seasons change,
When the light no longer lingers in the evening hours,
When the house's shadows hide the dying flowers,
That were yours...

When the seasons change,
When the trees bare their souls to a sleeping world,
When the stars dot the sky like so many pearls,
That were yours...

Copyright; EGHarne

REDNECK DOMESTIC

Shot my mama in the ass,
And she began to cry,
Then she grabbed herself a knife,
And stabbed me in the thigh

So I punched her in the face,
She kneed me in the 'nads,
I crumbled in a heap,
It hurt really, really bad

I tried to crawl away,
But she wasn't done with me,
Mom jumped up on my back,
And crushed my left kidney

"Oh, woe betide this devil!!"
She screamed eighth octave C,
"I'll mung you into pieces,
And cast you to the sea!"

I bit her ample cankle,
And the gravy it did spew,
She limped into the kitchen,
But, hey, I wasn't through!

I was only inches from her,
When much to my surprise,
She turned full tilt to face me,
With tears in her eyes

She said that she was sorry,
Between sobbing and the snot,
My eyes, too, were misty,
Yes, we were both distraught

We agreed to call a truce,
And anger we would shun,
I called her "Yama Mama,"
She called me "Idiot Son"

Today we get along,
And rather than throw rocks,
When Mom asks me nicely,
I let her wear my socks

Copyright; EGHarne

DON'T SMOKE! (TOBACCO CEO'S LAMENT)

I used to love my cigarettes,
Used to puff with pride,
Then government regulations,
Forced my ass outside

Doctors criticized me,
Wackos pitched a bitch,
Lawsuits quickly followed,
And attorneys all got rich

So now I'm a pariah,
I get the evil eye,
From condescending health freaks,
Who rabidly proselytize:

Don't smoke!
We know you're not quite human!
Don't smoke!
We pray you live in fear!
Don't smoke!
Why can't you be normal?
Don't smoke!
Relax and have a beer!

Ain't no more commercials,
Ah, they were so grand!
Majestic sounding music,
With the Marlboro man!

But alcohol floods the airwaves
Our nation's favorite drug,
When faced with the hypocrisy,
Activists smile and shrug

So I absorb the slings and arrows,
Courtesy nimrods in a funk,
I always like to heed advice,
From cretins who are drunk

Don't smoke!
Get out on the highways!
Don't smoke!
We've been killing all these years!
Don't smoke!
Won't you come and join us?
Don't smoke!
Relax and have some beers!

Copyright; EGHarne

SELTZER SUE

I started bowling Thursday evenings
With this gal named Seltzer Sue,
Gracious, what a big girl!
She could break a man in two

We talked a little and we laughed a lot,
As she jiggled in her clothes so tight,
And we fell in love between the beer and the cigarettes,
The spares and the strikes

We went strong for fifteen years,
'til the day of the accident,
She slid down the gutter with a chocolate bar,
And no one's seen her since

Sometimes when the lanes are quiet,
And the boys a drillin' holes in balls,
I think of how much I loved that girl,
Cellulite and all...

Copyright; EGHarne

MY LITTLE COCONUT

I met her at the graveyard,
Where I was digging holes,
For the stiffs discarded daily,
By the local old folks' home

She came out of the shadows,
And a stench filled the air,
She was naked as a jaybird,
With braided armpit hair

She said that she was lonely,
But let me tell ya what,
I knew from that moment,
She'd be my little coconut

I said that I was lonely too,
I was lookin' for a thrill,
Someone kinda special,
And I thought she'd fill the bill

Her one good eye was blue,
While the other had a patch,
And the dead skin fell like snow,
Every time she scratched

Yeah, she really was a sweetie,
With a very ample butt,
No one else could touch her,
Not my little coconut

She stuck a finger in her nose,
And dug around a while,
Then yanked a big blue boogie out,
And we both began to smile

We ran towards each other,
We met, then sucked some face,
And her greenish rotten teeth,
Left of funky aftertaste

She had a special presence,
Not a looker, nor a slut,
Nothing could really quite define,
My little coconut

So we decided then and there,
That we'd never be apart,
And she played a wedding tune,
With a single, high pitched fart

I will never know again,
All the joy I felt that day,
It was just within my grasp,
Then suddenly yanked away

For as we danced upon the tombstones,
Lost in love and lust,
My baby took a header,
And split her little coconut

Copyright; EGHarne