GLOSSOLALIA

ieoaoi iaeoijo ijkld kalf,
kdlak kasldf kiild maa,
jadkjf kadjll mkjad aldasl,
daldfl;a ladlkf ;ok;kl ;;kff!

kadflk aldfjl ladkki kadfd,
kasl ieuow ejaldi odiel,
aldlfd leuhgmp jfodall fdkja,
dkkld lkdeimo dwdif ksnff!

ueakalj aifei aelkdla; ialfe,
akldlka fjfld dlkakdl dfka,
kaeilkdof aadfi lkfoi l'aif,
dafdfj fmdjekj kdjak leirl!

kdadl fjdakl iiags ieldio fdk,
fauea fdka ieasfga palejal,
kadsfo aogdal aodfoaj lalffd,
alkdjf lkdfa didsaf jkdal!

Amen!


Copyright; EGHarne

THE GATES OF HEAVEN

I met this guy at the Gates of Heaven,
He said he’d been waiting there,
He couldn’t recall how long or what for,
But he wasn’t going anywhere

He said he had a story to tell,
So I nodded for him to proceed,
I lit up a cig, he opened a beer,
And he regaled me with all his misdeeds

“I killed my first man when I was eighteen,”
He said with a bit of a sneer,
“He screamed and he cried for his useless life,
As I slit him from ear to ear!”

“I butchered a little old lady named Tess,
When I entered her house one night,
A 90 pound weakling with varicose veins,
Who didn’t put up much of a fight!”

“A convenience store worker in Kalamazoo,
Looked at me funny one day,
So I pulled out my Smith and Wesson,
And blew his ass away!”

“Then there’s my worthless mother,”
He said with a great deal of pride,
“I sliced, diced and baked her remains,
Then fed her to my dog Clyde!”

He went on and on for an hour or so,
About all the people he’d killed,
And it was not an exaggeration to say,
That each one gave him a thrill

But then he grew rather solemn,
When he talked of his last days on earth,
He said he was dying of cancer,
Then experienced a wondrous rebirth

“I was born again with seconds to go,”
As he winked with a ghost of a smile.
“All my bad deeds were forgiven,
I faked out the Lord with my guile!”

He bellowed a laugh that reeked evil,
Then stretched out to take a nap,
I considered my options carefully,
As I slowly digested his rap

A short while later St. Peter arrived,
Dressed in white and pristine,
He opened the gate and looked at me,
With a face that was quite serene

“Our records show there should be two,
Waiting outside this door.”
I smiled at St. Pete and shook my head,
“No sir, not anymore!”

Copyright; EGHarne

ILLEGAL IN 49 STATES AND SOME PARTS OF OKLAHOMA

He went to the barn to milk his cow,
She said "Golly!" He said "Wow!"
And somewhere,
There's love in the air,
tonight...

Copyright; EGHarne

GRANDFATHER'S ADVICE

So you’ve started on your journey,
You’ve begun your life,
But before get any further,
I want to give you some advice

Look into my withered eyes,
And tell me what you see,
If what’s there is your reflection,
Then I have to say I’m pleased

Never let ‘em read you,
Always keep up your guard,
Convince ‘em that you tough,
And show ‘em thay you’re hard

Life is but a hell hole,
A journey of endless miles,
It’s full of heartless people,
Who will stab you with a smile

When they’re down, don’t pick ‘em up
Let ‘em wallow in despair,
It’s one more place that you can take,
It’s one extra breath of air

When the bloody battle is over,
Those left will be like you,
You will find life’s filled with lies,
And lightly sprinkled with some truths

So I’ll end my talk right here,
And let you be on your way,
Please don’t ever forget,
What I’ve told you here today

Stay in touch, my boy
I’ll soon be dead and buried,
And if you ever get a chance,
Write me from the seminary

Copyright; EGHarne

REFLECTIONS ON THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF HIS WIFE'S DEATH

When the seasons change,
When the light no longer lingers in the evening hours,
When the house's shadows hide the dying flowers,
That were yours...

When the seasons change,
When the trees bare their souls to a sleeping world,
When the stars dot the sky like so many pearls,
That were yours...

Copyright; EGHarne

REDNECK DOMESTIC

Shot my mama in the ass,
And she began to cry,
Then she grabbed herself a knife,
And stabbed me in the thigh

So I punched her in the face,
She kneed me in the 'nads,
I crumbled in a heap,
It hurt really, really bad

I tried to crawl away,
But she wasn't done with me,
Mom jumped up on my back,
And crushed my left kidney

"Oh, woe betide this devil!!"
She screamed eighth octave C,
"I'll mung you into pieces,
And cast you to the sea!"

I bit her ample cankle,
And the gravy it did spew,
She limped into the kitchen,
But, hey, I wasn't through!

I was only inches from her,
When much to my surprise,
She turned full tilt to face me,
With tears in her eyes

She said that she was sorry,
Between sobbing and the snot,
My eyes, too, were misty,
Yes, we were both distraught

We agreed to call a truce,
And anger we would shun,
I called her "Yama Mama,"
She called me "Idiot Son"

Today we get along,
And rather than throw rocks,
When Mom asks me nicely,
I let her wear my socks

Copyright; EGHarne

DON'T SMOKE! (TOBACCO CEO'S LAMENT)

I used to love my cigarettes,
Used to puff with pride,
Then government regulations,
Forced my ass outside

Doctors criticized me,
Wackos pitched a bitch,
Lawsuits quickly followed,
And attorneys all got rich

So now I'm a pariah,
I get the evil eye,
From condescending health freaks,
Who rabidly proselytize:

Don't smoke!
We know you're not quite human!
Don't smoke!
We pray you live in fear!
Don't smoke!
Why can't you be normal?
Don't smoke!
Relax and have a beer!

Ain't no more commercials,
Ah, they were so grand!
Majestic sounding music,
With the Marlboro man!

But alcohol floods the airwaves
Our nation's favorite drug,
When faced with the hypocrisy,
Activists smile and shrug

So I absorb the slings and arrows,
Courtesy nimrods in a funk,
I always like to heed advice,
From cretins who are drunk

Don't smoke!
Get out on the highways!
Don't smoke!
We've been killing all these years!
Don't smoke!
Won't you come and join us?
Don't smoke!
Relax and have some beers!

Copyright; EGHarne